Leave Nothing Unsaid - Don't Wait

It can be difficult to convey one's deepest feelings directly to loved ones. Movie endings notwithstanding, you are unlikely to find yourself expressing last words on your deathbed surrounded by loving family and friends. Dr. VJ Periyakoil, Director of the Stanford Successful Aging Program has written about the regret that she has seen many of her patients express near the end of their lives. Why wait? 

Though low tech, personal letters remain a very effective means of conveying feelings, thoughts and hopes. You can write as many as you like, seal them in envelopes and store them with your Will to be opened after you die.

Drafting a personal letter offers a wonderful opportunity for reflection and contemplation of your relationship with a loved one. Think what is special about your relationship with someone and what messages you want to leave. You might reminisce about the first time you laid eyes on each other or a very special time together. You might want to provide some advice on how someone should carry on without you. The process of writing a letter or creating a video will likely bring tears to your eyes. But, imagine the joy of the recipient after you are gone.

For the living, letters, notes can also help cope with losing a loved one, especially for children. A friend’s dying mother bought her young grandson a computer and asked him to email her a note each morning, which he did. The notes not only provided a lovely memorial, but the grandson continued writing notes after his grandmother died which helped him deal with his grief.

If you find yourself stuck trying to write a letter and need guidance or ideas, Dr. Periyakoil's Stanford Medicine Letter Project website is a great resource. The website features videos and an easy to use template. Frish Brandt, a hospice and palliative care volunteer and “letter midwife", can also help you find the words for a final letter through her Lasting Letters website. Hopefully, no one will read your letters until many more years have passed, but why wait? The process itself can bring great satisfaction.